Lucky to be loved

 Like many young girls I fantasized about falling in love, about meeting the right person who just completely gets me. Growing together, buying a house together, the big white wedding and starting our own little family. My teenage years were spent creating mood boards on Pinterest, pinning my favorite wedding venues, the aesthetic for my future home and wondering what this mystery person who would walk into my life would be like.

But when I was diagnosed my dreams were shattered, I spent countless hours in therapy grieving the fact, which I thought to be undeniably true, that 'no one is going to want me now'. That was my internalized ableism. I thought I was broken, and who's going to want that?

It's been just shy of 10 years where I've been working on changing this thought pattern, I've met so many amazing people who have taught me that I am worthy of friendships, a romantic relationship and so much more. I'm eternally grateful to all these wonderful individuals- although I'd like to think they feel the same way about me.

I've really tried to fight this omnipresent niggling feeling yet it is still there. Somedays more than others, just lingering in my subconscious. 

The feeling I've so often mentioned in other posts, am I worthy? Do others see me as a burden holding them back? Over the past year I've really learnt to value what I can offer. Gradually that pie chart of what makes me me has become a little bigger.  I am kind, empathetic (sometimes too much), generous, tolerant and considerate. I'd also rate myself a solid 7.5/10.

But frequently, I ask myself, is that enough? Am I lucky to be loved?

It may, or may not, come as a shock that my partner gets a lot of credit for being with someone like me. For being there for me through thick and thin, for not running a mile when shit hits the fan. Because even after 6 years he clearly is the only one in this relationship who has anything worth contributing. I do feel lucky to be loved by someone so kind, so caring and so considerate but I reckon, and he reminds me often, that he's pretty lucky too.

But after having been reminded of how lucky I am to have found someone who loves me for me roughly every other month, it starts to knock my confidence. Those insecurities and unsubstantial soul crushing feelings creep back, but this time to the very forefront of my mind. Everywhere we go the devil on my shoulder informs me that everyone is thinking the same thing. How and why on earth is he with her?

Brushing off these feelings of inadequacy is easier said than done. Just when I feel at the peak of my confidence, someone will look at us or say something that makes me wonder if it's true. Am I lucky to be loved?

This post is for anyone else who feels this way because I am certain you're out there, you are enough, you are worthy and you are so so so much more than your illness/disability physical or mental. We are all lucky to be loved and to love but we also deserve to be ADORED, please don't forget that.

(ps. if you do find yourself wondering how and why an able bodied person would choose to be with someone who is disabled/chronically ill then please, respectfully, keep those opinions to yourself)