The elephant

At times it feels like the elephant in the room. He's just there, not moving, not making a sound, he's just big and annoying and I hope if I tip toe around him he won't make a scene.  More importantly people may not even notice him. If I were a creative writer or a secondary school English teacher that's how I'd describe my mental health.

But people do notice. My family, my boyfriend, my best friends pick up on these things and aren't afraid to address the beast. They don't see it as a problem so why do I?

That was rhetorical and really, I already know the answer. They're not me. I'm the only one beating myself up about not being as able as others, as mobile, as "normal". I'm the only one who thinks of myself as a burden. 

I want to address the unspoken hurt, I want to talk about this inner turmoil that's eating me alive. Really, I do. But when I already feel like a physical burden I really don't fancy feeling like a mental one too. I mean, I already have plenty of problems, why add to that?

But as much as I have tried to avoid talking about my mental health, I have realized it really is unavoidable. The feeling of not being good enough is now becoming part of my daily life. The constant state of panic and stress that I've done something wrong is woven into my everyday. 

I'm so tired of sugar coating how I feel for others but also for my own sake. But to be honest this habit is one I probably won't break out of (it's easier this way). But understanding and explaining the root of this feeling of inadequacy is something I'd like to share. 

A very slow diagnosis left me wondering for years why was I getting everything so wrong? Why was I never able to ride a bike like my friends? Why could I not keep up with everyone in P.E class? Why could I not walk in heels? (I've never owned a pair of heels and have told myself when I get a wheelchair they will be my first purchase).

I know they may seem like silly and trivial things but for an extremely self conscious teen they were the beginning of this self doubt.

A slow diagnosis meant that I was subject to peoples impatience and intolerance. I didn't understand what was going on but neither did they. 

Labels such as clumsy, heavy handed and "too much" cemented the idea that I had to work harder. My "quirky" walk, my ability to drop and bump into things quite frequently were often met with tuts or laughs. This post isn't about pointing the finger but hopefully raising awareness about how these labels can affect others.

I'm slowly learning to not be in a constant state of "shit I've done something wrong" but unlearning these thoughts that I have internalized for so long is a process. Building up my confidence in my own ability takes time but I'm getting there. 

I really hope this post has resonated with you or perhaps has even helped you understand  someone who is in the same position I've been in.