Taking care of my mental and physical health

Our mental and physical health are often seen as two separate entities, but both are undeniably and  mutually linked. But when you are faced with both sometimes it becomes hard to admit you need help. This is what I've found recently, actually who am I kidding, for a few years now this has been an ongoing battle leaving me in a constant state of confusion, unable to settle the turmoil caused by my emotions. I have spent years refusing to admit (to myself) that I need help, both physically and mentally. A sense of anguish and hopelessness creeps up on me when I even dare to give up the façade that everything is ok, because it's not. Dealing with an unpredictable and deteriorating chronic illness is hard, coming to terms with a progressive condition is distressing, struggling more and more each day is an overwhelming concept to deal with. When I write it all down it makes sense that I'm feeling mentally drained, that I'm struggling to stay optimistic, maybe I should give myself some slack (mum you were right, again). But admitting this to myself is one thing, asking for even more help is another.

No matter how many times people tell me I'm not, a small yet overpoweringly loud voice always tells me I'm a burden. Every time I knock into something, walk too slowly, walk too wobbly, take too long, ask for too much help, ask for too little help I feel like I'm someone else's responsibility. This feeling combined with the disruption of agency and cognition that come with having ataxia has a destructive and harmful effect on my sense of self and a sense of worthiness. I often fear that even those closest to me will eventually get tired and fed up with constantly making sure that I'm physically ok, this fear may be irrational but it is strong and overwhelming that I dread to even think about asking for help with my mental health too. I feel so stupid even saying this, and a bit hypocritical too. I have just been in denial for so long, not wanting to rely on people too much, not wanting to burden them with my physical and mental challenges. But I'm beginning to see that it's okay to struggle with both, in fact it's more than ok. I'm dealing with a massive, life changing condition here....who wouldn't find it difficult?

I want to talk about the term/compliment (?) "inspirational". I may sound like a broken record because you've almost certainly heard me or someone else analyse this in depth. I know it's only ever meant as a word to encourage and praise somebody who has overcome or is going through a challenging time in their life. But I want to talk about the pressure it leaves with the recipient. The pressure to keep smiling through the pain, the pressure to remain positive, the pressure to not let anyone see the real you that struggles most days to just get out of bed. This has led me to adopt a 'fake it till you make it' attitude. Faking it in order to "inspire" others.  Most days I don't want to be an inspiration, I don't want to be put on a pedestal just because I am pushing through. What other choice do I have? This is here for the long haul and I don't want to be somebodies poster image of how they think somebody with a chronic illness should be. To me the word "inspirational" romanticises what I go through, it reinforces the idea that I can't admit I'm struggling to cope mentally. Perhaps this is a reason why it has taken me so long to seek help.

Having an incurable chronic condition often leaves me feeling hopeless, feeling like a lost cause. Whenever I think about therapy I struggle to see the point. They can't fix me, no matter how  many sessions I have they will never be able to take away the pain and the struggles that I face. I often thought (and if I'm completely honest, still do think) that therapy in my case is like putting a plaster on a broken leg. I think this is another reason why I have only recently thought to give it a shot. What have I got to lose?  I am aware that therapy will not take away the struggles that I face, but maybe it will help ease the pain. Maybe it will help settle the emotional turmoil, maybe it will help me deal with the anger and frustration that I so frequently take out on loved ones.

I hope I have adequately expressed the difficulty of struggling with both physical and mental health. I hope that others may be able to identify with how I have been feeling. And I hope that this helps anyone in a similar position to myself realise that it's ok to to also ask for help with your mental health.