Time. The gift that keeps on giving. Doesn't it?

Plans. We all had plans. Plans that we had to cancel, rearrange and reschedule. An undeniably frustrating and frequent occurrence, putting our life on hold, but that's the beauty of time. Time, the gift that keeps on giving. Doesn't it?

Sometimes I feel like my life is a ticking time-bomb, unpredictable and erratic. I don't simply want to "put a pin in it", I can't just reschedule knowing that nothing except the time and date will change. This for me is the most disheartening and daunting part of it all. I'd like to think that I've adopted a 'do it whilst you can' attitude. I guess in a sense I generally think it's now or never. But when 'now' is unattainable I start to think that it may be the latter. Now I know there's plenty I can still do now and there will be things I will still be able to do in the future; the question of what these things will be still looms over me, tainting any plans for when "this is all over". I don't have the luxury of time, I can't just pickup where I left off. The future has always scared me, even more so now. The past 4 years (since I was diagnosed) I have been terrified of the unknown, anxious of what's to come, the deterioration of my illness haunting my every move (quite literally).

I've always felt a lack of control. I am aware of the naivety in thinking that every minute detail of our lives can be organized and ordered the exact way we want it, but surely most people have a certain level of control over their lives? Now, it's obvious that there are many aspects of my life that I can't control ie. how my body works, but in a weird way I always thought I would have some control over what I did with my life. I'm not oblivious to the fact that time is not on my side, the thought of where I'll be in five-ten years is terrifying. But I thought I'd at least be in the driving seat for the next 3-4.

We've all been robbed of our time, stuck between a rock and a hard place with no where to go. Our lives have been put on pause for who knows how long. I guess how I'm feeling isn't uncommon, I'm sure many people feel this way. But I just wanted to share another perspective, I wanted to express a feeling that I haven't yet managed to verbalize in a hope that this may pacify some of the anger and frustration I feel.