How it feels saying no

Surreal and sad. They're the only two emotions I and I'm sure a lot of the world have been feeling recently. The prospect of not being able to see our friends, family or even smile at the stranger who kindly let us walk ahead of them. It's all so overwhelming to say the least. But I want to talk about something that I've often never voiced because I thought it was trivial, I thought people wouldn't get it or even belittle how I was feeling. But now we all are having to say no, now I think people will understand. Because this sadness and disappointment that comes with saying no, turning down plans and cancelling events we've been so looking forward to is a norm for many with a chronic illness. Saying no for some will not end when this pandemic does. I’ve often felt overwhelmed at cancelling last minute, guilt runs through me as I say no, afraid people will stop inviting me out -because many of the reasons why I would cancel so often aren’t visible. I was afraid people wouldn’t get it. I think people are starting to now. Prioritising your health hasn’t been at the forefront of people’s minds. Till now. Saying “no” and cancelling plans isn’t something that people have had to consider. Till now. Now we are being forced to cancel events, trips out, forced to spend time indoors. Now is a perfect time to raise awareness of something that those with chronic illnesses have to do all the time. Saying no is my norm.

For the past few years I’ve had to cancel numerous plans and events, often last minute, because I have had no choice but to put my health first. I often felt like people didn’t get it, “well...she looks fine on instagram” I’d imagine them saying, because they'd never see me at my worst. Now everyone has no option but to put their life on hold they might spare a thought for those of us who have been doing this for years. But it isn’t easy, this whole saying no malarky, the temptation is all too much. It took me a while to get used to the idea of it too, saying no, seeing others out on instagram and snapchat stories -the fear of missing out was real. But what gets me is, that for the majority of people, this will all come and go. For the majority of people saying no is not something they will have to get used to. For the majority of people health is not something they will have to think about every single day.

So I hope, I hope this is what stays with people. I hope people come away from this with a new appreciation for something that matters the most. Their health and the health of those close to them. Because it’s something that I and many others cannot take for granted, the health I do have is something I appreciate everyday.