My new years resolution: Accepting my illness

For many last year was the year of fight or flight. But what do you do if you only have one option? 2019 hasn't been my best year. don't get me wrong I've made some amazing memories that I'll truly cherish forever but my biggest downfall has been the way I've treated myself, the way I've respected myself and accepted that I do have a chronic illness.

During 2019 I have fought everyday, I have fought from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. I have been fighting for the last 3 years to maintain a "normal" lifestyle, continuously stuck in a state of denial about the fact that my body is changing and things are becoming more challenging. Trying to keep up with the old me, the stereotype of how a young woman in her twenties should look, act and feel has been exhausting. Trying to constantly please, overwhelmed with fear of letting people down. During 2019 I have not given myself enough credit but more importantly I haven't given others enough credit. Of course my friends would understand, of course my mum can rearrange. During 2019 I was scared of admitting what was actually happening, how I'm actually feeling and what I am capable of doing that day. This has not been not fair on myself or on others.

During 2019 I have used excuses after excuses because god forbid I actually admit the truth. During 2019 I have cared too much about and prioritised the opinions and feelings of others, much more than my own.  During 2019 I have been too harsh on myself, verbally punishing myself for not being "perfect" or the conventional young woman. Why? Why, when others tell me how courageous, beautiful and motivating I am do I only see an unfeminine, awkward and pitiful young girl? 

Now,  I'm not going to regurgitate the timeless but overly used resolution promoting self love (however also not denying it's importance), but I want to propose a resolution that I think we should all adopt, Self Acceptance. In 2020 I'm going to stop fighting my illness, and on days where everything is too much (and because flight isn't an option) I am going to accept my illness. I am going to accept that my body is changing. I am going to accept that I will never live up to my own expectations.

(ps. I am also gonna give less of a shit about the opinions of others cos of said reasons x)