The privilege of prioritising your education
Prioritising your education is a privilege that not everyone can afford, to tell you the truth this is something that I am struggling to come to terms with.
Chronic illness is all consuming and recently it has got the better of me. No matter how much I try to avoid it, no matter how many times I try to outsmart or control it- it's always there. Of course there are good days, or better said, easier days but it's still there lingering in the background, a gentle reminder of all the challenges I have yet to face.
Some days I feel ashamed, ashamed that I am not doing what is required of me at uni; ridden with guilt that instead of doing my coursework or attending lectures I am re watching gossip girl (xoxo) for the millionth time. This only gets worse when it finally dawns on me the piles of work I have to catch up on, when I realise how much less I have done than everyone else. But for me, prioritising my mental and physical wellbeing is so much more important than my academic success.
Don't get me wrong, adjusting to this 'new normal' is tricky. Everything that I knew has changed. My work ethic has changed and adjusting to this is a massive learning curve and is honestly very daunting. It's like having to suddenly care for someone else. Learning what triggers me to feel certain ways. How to manage my fatigue. How to balance my workload whilst making sure I still have a social life and ensuring I still have the energy to mantain friendships. It's a 9-5 job and sometimes I feel like I should be getting paid for it.
This semester, the most important semester (typical), I have had about a weeks worth of hospital appointments per month. I honestly don't really know how I have managed to still -sort of- keep up with uni. I have probably (hypocritically) been prioritising my uni work over my own sanity. Sprinting, metaphorically of course, straight from the hospital to the library. Juggling my work and my health as if something drastic would happen if I dropped the ball.
It wasn't till a few weeks ago that everything caught up with me. My mental health just deteriorated rapidly, the stress of trying to prioritise my education over my own wellbeing had taken it's toll and I finally admitted (to myself) that this was not a sustainable way to live. I don't have an acute illness that will go away eventually. This is something I am going to live with for the rest of my life, something I am going to have to learn how to manage and learn how to live with. Something that I must make a priority.
I'm not denying that school, college or uni is difficult for everyone. I'm not suggesting that chronic illness is the only reason to not prioritise your education. This is my reason, and it's taken me a while to get here.
At the end of the day, fighting a chronic illness everyday makes uni seem like a piece of cake.
Chronic illness is all consuming and recently it has got the better of me. No matter how much I try to avoid it, no matter how many times I try to outsmart or control it- it's always there. Of course there are good days, or better said, easier days but it's still there lingering in the background, a gentle reminder of all the challenges I have yet to face.
Some days I feel ashamed, ashamed that I am not doing what is required of me at uni; ridden with guilt that instead of doing my coursework or attending lectures I am re watching gossip girl (xoxo) for the millionth time. This only gets worse when it finally dawns on me the piles of work I have to catch up on, when I realise how much less I have done than everyone else. But for me, prioritising my mental and physical wellbeing is so much more important than my academic success.
Don't get me wrong, adjusting to this 'new normal' is tricky. Everything that I knew has changed. My work ethic has changed and adjusting to this is a massive learning curve and is honestly very daunting. It's like having to suddenly care for someone else. Learning what triggers me to feel certain ways. How to manage my fatigue. How to balance my workload whilst making sure I still have a social life and ensuring I still have the energy to mantain friendships. It's a 9-5 job and sometimes I feel like I should be getting paid for it.
This semester, the most important semester (typical), I have had about a weeks worth of hospital appointments per month. I honestly don't really know how I have managed to still -sort of- keep up with uni. I have probably (hypocritically) been prioritising my uni work over my own sanity. Sprinting, metaphorically of course, straight from the hospital to the library. Juggling my work and my health as if something drastic would happen if I dropped the ball.
It wasn't till a few weeks ago that everything caught up with me. My mental health just deteriorated rapidly, the stress of trying to prioritise my education over my own wellbeing had taken it's toll and I finally admitted (to myself) that this was not a sustainable way to live. I don't have an acute illness that will go away eventually. This is something I am going to live with for the rest of my life, something I am going to have to learn how to manage and learn how to live with. Something that I must make a priority.
I'm not denying that school, college or uni is difficult for everyone. I'm not suggesting that chronic illness is the only reason to not prioritise your education. This is my reason, and it's taken me a while to get here.
At the end of the day, fighting a chronic illness everyday makes uni seem like a piece of cake.
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